I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.