I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.