I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.