Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; . . . also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread "per capita" of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.

TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own.

An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.

Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.