Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

Least said is soon disavowed.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.