Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

JESTER, n. An officer attached to the king's household to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances . . . the king's own conduct and decrees [being] sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.

Income is the natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability.

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for a smoldering one