Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'

Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire