God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.

Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted.

A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.