When you doubt, abstain.

The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.