I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, "I don't have to wear a bra tonight." If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.