You gotta be happy when you wake up in the morning and look at what's next to ya. You wanna just hop on it again. That's how I feel. That's what life is about. Because when you leave the house, it's all misery anyway.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!

When I did a sitcom and played a postman, I was brought to tears playing that postman, because I felt like one. I didn't grow up even wanting to be a post man. Now, I understand the meaning of the term "postal." I was bored to tears. And what was funny was that the producer actually looked like a bug.

Women today are the biggest pigs today in history. They are just the dirtiest, nastiest slobs. I don't know how old your chick is, but the truth of the matter is they've become the aggressors. You know? They're upset if you're not balls deep in them by half way through the first date! They think you don't like them.

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

I’m a Brooklyn guy onstage, and I try to really feed my fans with the kind of material they expect from me.

The whole world has changed, so you just stay current with the world. There's nothing different in my language of how I say things.