I make people laugh hard; I'm a comic, that's just the way it is. And I make them laugh because I'm funny, not because I'm filthy. The subject matter is dirty, but the pictures I paint are really funny. A lot of comics don't understand that that's what it's about. It's just, "I'll be dirty and they'll laugh." Nobody's becoming a superstar that way.

I always believed you could fix whatever problems.

When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey", I care about me.

I don't get up and look at e-mail. I don't even know my e-mail address. I needed one just to have a computer put on. But I never, ever even thought of going to it. It's just not what I'm about. I just don't want to waste my life with it. It's just too much; I think people are just a little too absorbed in all of that.

If Lady Gaga didn't put on all those outfits, she probably wouldn't have made it in show business. She put a show behind her voice.

I want to be able to make people laugh as hard as they possibly can, and I really think they need that.

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.