I've been getting in trouble my whole life and I really don't care what anybody thinks of what I do on stage as a comic.

I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

If Lady Gaga didn't put on all those outfits, she probably wouldn't have made it in show business. She put a show behind her voice.

The whole world has changed, so you just stay current with the world. There's nothing different in my language of how I say things.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!

Women today leave the house in animal prints and six inch stilettos, what does that say? I'm going to church? They're saying I want you to hang me by my tits from your ceiling and bite my ass. You know what I mean? That's what it says to me anyway.

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.