You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.