I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.