Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.