George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.