I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.