Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.