Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.