I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.