I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.