I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.