President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.