President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.