Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.