Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.