Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.