Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.