Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.