Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.