I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.