I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.