I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.