Andy Rooney Quotes

I think a draft produces a better Army than the one we would have with all volunteers, because I think you get average Americans if you have a draft. And if it's an all-volunteer Army, you get people who join up because of some problem in their own lives. They don't have anything else to do, they don't have a job, or they can't find what they want to do, so they join the Army. And it doesn't produce the best Army.

Most college students are not as smart as most college presidents.

Space, like Switzerland, should be neutral.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

I'd like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there's something going on in mathematics that I don't understand, and I'd like to find out what it is.

Walking is good for the soul.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Familiar things are a comfort to us all.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

One day about 10 years ago the door to my office opened and who walked in but Bill Gates.... Seemed like a nice guy and has done more with his money than most billionaires. But that's as far as I want to go being kind to Bill Gates.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

I am interested in details. If you go into anything far enough, you get into the details of it, and people turn out to be interested in what makes things work.

Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they've done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Believing is such a comfort that it's hard to give up a belief just because it isn't true.

Love is more pleasant once you get out of your twenties. It doesn't hurt all the time.

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

Numbers are the most certain things we have.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

... all of us talk faster than we listen.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.