A cigarette is a roll of paper, tobacco, and drugs, with a small fire on one end and a large fool at the other. Some of its chief benefits are cancer of the lips and stomach, softening of the brain, funeral procesions, and families shrouded in gloom and grief. Although a great many people know this, they still smoke in order to appear sophisticated.

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

Class never tries to build itself up by tearing others down. Class is already up and need not strive to look better by making others look worse.

I don't believe that you have to be a cow to know what milk is.

Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, 'What happened?

Pity the poor millionaire. He'll never know the thrill of paying that final installment.

Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.