A cigarette is a roll of paper, tobacco, and drugs, with a small fire on one end and a large fool at the other. Some of its chief benefits are cancer of the lips and stomach, softening of the brain, funeral procesions, and families shrouded in gloom and grief. Although a great many people know this, they still smoke in order to appear sophisticated.

Make somebody happy today, and mind your own business

It's one of the ironies of human nature that the most sensitive people are generally insensitive to the feelings of others.

In recent years, there have been reports of people with twisted minds putting razor blades and poison in taffy apples and Halloween candy. It is no longer safe to let your child eat treats that come from strangers.

Pity the poor millionaire. He'll never know the thrill of paying that final installment.

Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat.

Never let an opportunity pass to give a well-deserved compliment.