That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.