My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
Anthony JeselnikDoctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony JeselnikWe just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
Anthony JeselnikYesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious โ nobody saw me.
Anthony JeselnikWayne Brady, I donโt understand why people keep joking that youโre not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on โWhoโs Line is it Anyway?โ.
Anthony JeselnikMy sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Anthony Jeselnik