My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.