My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.