My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.