Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.