Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.