Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.