Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.