About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.