I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.