When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.