When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.