When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I tell very mean jokes.

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.