When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.