When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.