When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.