When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.