When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.