You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I tell very mean jokes.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.