You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.