Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.