Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.