Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.