Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.