You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.