You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.