You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.