My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.