My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.