Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.