You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.