You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.