People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.