People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.