Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony JeselnikI like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony JeselnikEvery Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony JeselnikMy sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Anthony Jeselnik