Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Clerk" on Deadwood. Actually, I was the accounting clerk for production of "Deadwood."

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.