God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.