God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.