I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

I tell very mean jokes.