I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.