I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.