It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.