It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.