It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.