It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.