The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.