The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.