The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.