One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.