I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.