Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.