I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.